Movie Monday: How to Watch “Twilight” And Live to Tell About It

So, you’re home alone. There’s not much to do, so you switch on your TV. For a while you’re content watching What Not To Wear, but after a while you get bored with that, so you start flipping through channels, hoping you’ll accidentally find something decent to watch.

The problem is, it’s one of those days where there’s literally nothing on. Nothing that you want to watch, anyway. If you’re like me, that means that all that’s on is football, some talk shows, and the Disney Channel Army of Doom (a term I’ve decided to use to refer to the mass of channels that seem to play nothing but TV shows designed to warp the minds of innocent children, such as Cartoon Network, Toon Disney, Disney XD and the Disney Channel). So, as you’re repeatedly hitting the “UP” button on your remote, inwardly debating which show will cause your ears to bleed least — Spongebob Squarepants? Wizards of Waverly Place? Kick Buttowski? — the atmosphere in the room suddenly changes. The sound issuing from your television speakers goes from blaring-kid’s-show-theme-song to wailing synthesized instrumentals in a mopey minor key. Your screen is grey-toned, monotonous and racked with agitating shakey-cam. And the strange, awkward, creepy man standing in a forest with his shirt-unbuttoned is… wait… he’s sparkling?

Yes, my friend. In your innocent quest for entertainment you have inadvertently stumbled across what some call art, what others call crap, what Rifftrax calls an inexplicable cultural phenomenon, and what its director, producers, writers, actors, and novel-author call “Twilight”. You know of what I speak. There’s no use plugging your ears and covering your eyes and pressing the buttons of your remote at random, because you and I both know that you’re stuck between this, and the Disney Channel Army of Doom. And I have no way to make the latter survivable. So you get to choose: watch a cruddy TV show and die, or watch a cruddy movie and live. And no, it is not worth death to avoid watching Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart stammer and mumble their way through a few ridiculously slow-moving scenes.

So deal with it. You want to live? You’re watching “Twilight”.

NOTE: This is irony. I’m not actually saying you will literally physically die if you ever have to sit through an episode of A.N.T. Farm. Personally, however, every time I watch A.N.T. Farm, I die a little inside, whereas “Twilight” brings me great joy and much laughter. So, if you wish to retain your humanity, I would advise you to be smart and not allow yourself to stray into the dark realm of Disney Channel. There is evil there that does not sleep.

Okay. *sighs* Here we go. This is not going to be easy.

The premise of “Twilight” is thus: A relatively personality-less teenage girl named Bella Swan moves to a relatively personality-less town called Forks (the town is portrayed as personality-less in book and movie only; I’m sure that in real life Forks, Washington is a really cool place with really cool people. But in the world of “Twilight”, well…), in order to live with a relatively personality-less dad and attend a relatively personality-less high school where she meets relatively personality-less people and falls in love with a relatively personality-less vampire. The said vampire, Edward Cullen, is pale, creepy, effeminate, and sparkly — yes, I said sparkly — as are his vampire housemates, all of whom walk around looking either bored, haughty, or constipated, and mostly constipated. Edward himself stares at Bella from across the room, watches her sleep in her room, every night when she has no idea he’s there, bluntly tells her that he could kill her in an instant, confesses openly to having murdered multiple people and tells her that he wanted more than anything to murder her before he’d even met her, and forces out half-enunciated words through a clenched jaw. This, we’re told, is supposed to be attractive. Our two protagonists fall for each other during a series of awkward, uncomfortable scenes comprised of half-finished sentences, stuttering, lip-biting, blinking really fast for no apparent reason, abruptly-ended conversations, hulking, and a lot of Edward staring at everything from underneath dense eyebrows trying to look tough (which is hard to do when you, you know, sparkle). The antagonists are barely there, and when it comes to hammy acting, these three take the cake — which is saying something, considering what we get from the rest of the cast.

Pretty horrifying, right?

WRONG!!!

I’m going to re-write that paragraph, only I’m going to do it in a way that shows exactly how I feel about “Twilight” and why I not only survive watching it, but actually enjoy it.

The premise of “Twilight” is thus: A hilariously bland teenage girl named Bella Swan moves to a delightfully boring town called Forks (the town is portrayed as boring in book and movie only; I’m sure that in real life Forks, Washington is a really cool place with really cool people. But in the world of “Twilight”, well…), in order to live with a comically dull dad and attend a gleefully flavorless high school where she meets laughably humdrum people and falls in love with a fabulously tedious vampire. The said vampire, Edward Cullen, is pale, creepy, effeminate, and sparkly — yes, I said sparkly!!! — as are his vampire housemates, all of whom walk around looking either bored, haughty, or constipated, and mostly constipated, providing just enough laughs when the awkward monotony of everyone else fails to entertain. Edward himself provides us with astoundingly funny antics by staring at Bella from across the room, watches her sleep in her room, every night when she has no idea he’s there, claims that he, the sparkly vampire, could kill her in an instant (HA!!), runs around like a Benny Hill music video whilst talking about having murdered multiple people, and tells her that she smells so stinking good that when he first met her he nearly murdered her on the spot — because, you know, when your cake smells good, you just have to kill it — and garbles out half-enunciated words through a clenched jaw. Obviously, we are going to be attracted to this sparkly nonsense! Our two protagonists fall for each other during a series of wonderfully awkward, entertainingly uncomfortable scenes comprised of half-finished sentences, stuttering, lip-biting, blinking really fast for no apparent reason, abruptly-ended conversations, hulking, and a lot of Edward staring at everything from underneath dense eyebrows trying to look tough (because in the hilarious world of “Twilight”, sparkles just scream tough). The antagonists are barely there, and when it comes to hammy acting, these three take the cake — which is incredible, considering the delightfully over-the-top un-believability we receive from the rest of the cast.

There you go! That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I not only survive watching “Twilight”, not only enjoy “Twilight”, but actually laugh at, and even love, “Twilight”! It’s simple: View the whole thing not as a serious film that’s trying to insult your intelligence as a viewer, but instead as a comedy, created purely for your entertainment.

It’ll take a while to get the hang of, but with a little practice you can adjust your attitude in such away that you, too — yes, you, my friend — will be able to watch “Twilight” — and live to tell about it.

Advertisements

4 responses to “Movie Monday: How to Watch “Twilight” And Live to Tell About It

  1. Just laughed :):):)

  2. Bravo, my extremely literate granddaughter!! Bravo! I haven’t laughed like this in years! Love the blog and love you! Keep it up, Lauren! Could turn the country around!! Gramma

  3. Hey Lauren, loved your review and take of twilight. You my dear are quite the writer, no doubt about it. Gramma Linda

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s